Saturday, 29 January 2011

Flag if Offensive: Mideast Madness

"So guys, just so ya know, Stephen Harper of Canada has come out in support of our protests as long as we keep it non-violent. Any questions?"
"Uhh... What's "Kanaduh?"
"Ben Ali, you're a murderer, an embezzler, a pervert and a tyrant!"
"Thanks, I knew ya'd see it that way."
"Sure he's a dumb sonofabitch, but dammit he's our dumb sonofabitch!"
"Ya mean Mubarak, Sir?"
"No, I mean Joe Biden!"
"How we gonna get this creep extradited to his real home before he causes us international embarrassment?"
"Ya mean Ben Ali's brother-in-law, Sir?"
"No, I mean Ignatieff!"
"Mubarak's fall may impact our own occupied territory."
"Ya mean Gaza?"
"No! Capitol Hill."




Saturday, 1 January 2011

Some New Year's Resolutions for Old Media Liars

It's that time again, when we're expected to take a look in the scary mirror, take stock, and undertake some remedy against the woeful condition of our bodies and minds. But what about the condition of our language? When words lose the rigor of their meaning, we lose our ability for introspection, the mirror of conscience. That is scary. Let all denizens of the fourth estate take note of how fat, lazy and contemptible they've become serving the other three estates, ie, wealth, power and privilege, instead of truth, justice and the public good, and then let them swear to the following: "We, the recognized hacks of the corpulent, er, corporate press do hereby solemnly pledge that henceforth and forever we...

Won't call it "progress" when it's really a catastrophe in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Won't call it "insurgency" when it's simply defending one's country against invasion.
Won't call it "aggression" if it's in fact defense against aggression (as in Iraq, N. Korea, S. Ossetia etc).
Won't call it "heroic" when it's simply getting killed.
Won't call it "cowardly" when it's about killing oneself.
Won't call it "sexy" when it's just sluttish.
Won't call it "genius" just because it sells products.
Won't call it "recovery" when it's only another jobless bubble.
Won't call it "capitalism" when it's nothing but socialism for banksters.
Won't call it "quantitative easing" when in truth it's deliberate and calculated inflation.
Won't call it a "recession" if it's actually a depression.
Won't call it "warming" if it is actually cooling.
Won't call it "climate" when it's only weather. ( ie, getting warmer)
Won't call it "weather" when it's actually climate. (ie, getting colder)
Won't call it "consensus" when it's simply bias.
Won't call it "science" when it's really just politics.
Won't call it "expert" when it's only one among many varied points of view.
Won't call it a "marriage" when it's just a shack-up.
Won't call it "homophobic" when it's merely family friendly.
Won't call it "xenophobic" when it's merely nation friendly.
Won't call it "bulimia" or "anorexia" or any other "disease" when it's just self-destructive vanity.
Won't call it "addiction" when it's just lack of will power.
Won't call it a "panic attack" when it's merely a loss of self-control.
Won't call it "hyperactivity" or (ahem!) ADHS when it's basically feminized culture boy-bashing.
Won't call it a "cause" of human conduct if it precludes what it means to be human.
Won't call it "diversity" when it prohibits white pride.
Won't call it "diversity" when it outlaws free speech.
Won't call it "youth" when it's really Muslim immigrants rioting.
Won't call it "gangs" when it's actually just blacks killing each other.(The giveaway: outlandish names)
Won't call it "asylum seekers" when it's really illegal entrants.
Won't call it "anti-semitism" when it's merely criticism of Israel.
Won't call it "anti-American" when it's merely critical of Israel.
Won't call it "unChristian" when it's just critical of Israel.
Won't call it "holocaust denier" when it's simply a holocaust inquirer.
Won't call it "family planning" when it's really abortion.
Won't call it a "family" when it doesn't include children.
Won't call it a "child" if it's twenty? thirty?? forty??? years old.
Won't call it a "wife" if it's a male.
Won't call it a "husband" if it's not.
Won't call it a "sex trade worker" if it's just a whore.
Won't call it a "woman" when it's simply a castrated male on hormones.
Won't call it "racist" when it's incontrovertible science.
Won't call it "incontrovertible science" if it's just the latest celebrity fad.
Won't call it "offensive" when it's only simple truth.
Won't call it "hate" when it's just an opinion that we hate.
Won't call it "nazi" when it's only common sense.
Won't call it "intolerant" just because it remains unconvinced (of our lies).
Won't call it a "moderator" if it's a censor.
Won't call it an "administrator" when it's really a censor.
Won't call it "flag as offensive" when it just means censor.
Won't call it a "fact" when it's a rumour.
Won't call it "journalism" when it's nothing but whoring jingoism... "

There! - a resolution for every week of the coming year. Journos, enjoy! Right, Tryon, a PC-free diet for mainstream. Fat chance!