Saturday, 29 September 2012

The FBI in Libya (Duh da da!)

Scene: [A hotel room in Benghazi, crowded with FBI agents. From a window, agent Jim Rhodes scans the dark street below with a pair of binoculars. In frame, a clothing store, the sign reads,"al-Milo's"]
Rhodes, [turning to his captain]: Lew, take a look. The guy looking in the window. Muhammad al-Milden. [Hands the field glasses to Erskine who looks across the street to al-Milo's.]
Lewis Erskine: I wonder how long he's been back.
Rhodes: Back? I never knew he left.
Erskine: Oh right, I'm still thinking I'm in the States. Jet lag, you know. Maybe it's just our old friend Alawi with a new MO?
Rhodes: Mike, do we still have a warrant on him?
Mike: Still? I didn't know we ever did!
Rhodes: Oh right, you know...
All: Jet lag! Right!
Mike : How about unlawful flight?
Rhodes : Who? Him or us?
Erskine: Let's take him! (exit Erskine and Rhodes)
Mike, at the transmitter: Lookout units one and two...
[In the street the four agents converge at the clothing store entrance, covertly nodding to one another as they close in on their quarry; tense violins cue the dangerousness of the situation.]
Lookout agent, approaching a couple at the sales counter: I'll have to ask you people to leave. Just walk away. [Showing his badge] FBI.
Arab couple, uncomprehendingly: Huh? [They start jabbering in Arabic]
Lookout agent, (getting angry): I said F-B-I. Police! Move! What's wrong with you people? Don't you watch TV? [Pushing them aside, the agent addresses the suddenly evasive sales clerk] You can show me some ties, er, I mean those whatdyacallems.
Al-Milo: Keffiyehs.
Lookout agent: Keffiyehs? Fine. Got anything in red, white and blue?
[As a man comes out from a change room holding a suriyah, he is confronted by the agents]
Erskine: FBI, al-Milden! You're under arrest.
[The suspect bolts, running back to the change room, where a secret panel opens into a mini-fortress of al-Qaeda operatives, replete with AK-47's, grenade launchers and small missiles. A small army of Islamists emerge armed to the teeth and very angry.]
Al-Milden: Infidels!
Islamists: Allahu Akbar!
Rhodes: What'd they say?
Erskine: I think they're asking what size we're looking for - in coffins. Come on! Let's get the heck out of here!
[The storied team of federal law enforcement agents beat a strategic retreat - all the way back to Washington.]  Announcer: "Join us again next week for another exciting episode of the FBI based on authentic TV dramas. Next week: special agents Lew and Jim find themselves in Beijing investigating yet another incident at a foreign embassy - and proceed to bust the entire Chinese politburo! Same time, same channel."  [Closing refrains of martial theme music. Duuh- duh- da-da.]

The End

Sunday, 23 September 2012

At the Movies with Hillary and Barack

Hillary: Welcome back, fans, friends and followers! And here we are once again with a brand new edition of Entertainment Weakly, where weaker is always better. I'm Hillary C., and joining me is my partner in patter Barack O. (B nods to camera) Well, Barack, tonight we're reviewing the new Youtube sensation "Innocence of Muslims," and over on Broadway, another smash hit, "The Book of Mormon."
Barack: Smash hits! Oh yeah, Hill. In fact I wanted to smash in the faces of the producers of this movie from the very first frames I saw. I have to confess, though, that I haven't yet taken in the play. Too busy bringing the curtain down on a certain real life Mormon. But I hear it's great.
Hillary:  Fabjulous, Barack! I saw it recently with Bill and the gang. You know, all our Hollywood friends. We were in stitches from curtain time. It really sticks it to the Mormon goofs. And such a timely play, too. Right now, just when our campaign needs a boost and Romney needs a boot right up his pious (censored).
Barack: Yes, and I'm told that it sticks that pathetic book of theirs literally right up their --
Hillary: (bursting out in laughter) Oh, don't remind me! That scene will stay forever in my mind as one of the immortal comic icons of stage or screen. I was laughing so hard I nearly wet myself.
Barack: Oh, Hill, you wicked girl, so you're the White House leaker! Ha ha! And, Bill, your husband, always of the same kidney, I trust he shares your enthusiasm?
Hillary: Let's just say, that cigar of his was positively glowing with approbation, Barack.
Both: Ha ha!
Barack: Great! But now let's jump into the movie. It just doesn't match the artistry of "Book of Mormon," does it?
Hillary: Not even close, Barack. "Innocence of Muslims" is full of cheap sex, religional denigration and covert racism. It's absolutely disgusting. By contrast, "The Book of Mormon" is full of cheap sex, religional denigration and covert racism.
Barack: In other words...
Hillary: A true work of art.
Barack: And tell us again, what was Bill's verdict on the movie?
Hillary: Bill gives it two cigars in, way in!
Barack: That good, eh? Or bad, bad I meant. Tell me, was there any particular scene in the film that he and you found especially disgusting?
Hillary: Well, now that you ask, Barack, that scene where Mahomet is addressing the donkey, asking if it likes the women. I nearly threw up in Bill's lap when I saw them showing such blatant disrespect toward donkeys.
Barack: I can appreciate that, Hill. Such a sensitive animal, and not for nothing our party emblem. And what about Bill, did he throw up, too, Hill?
Hillary: No, he just got mad.
Barack: Because of the perceived insult to donkeys?
Hillary: No, because of the perceived insult to himself.
Barack: So there you have it, audience land: "The Book of Mormon" gets two thumbs up from Hillary. "Innocence of Muslims:" two thumb screws in, way in, from both of us for the treasonous sonsofbitches who made it. And for all those idiot Founding Fathers who gave them the right to make it.
Hillary: Well, folks, that's it for this edition of EW. See you next week, where we'll be looking at Romney's secret video exposing his unorthodox views on marriage. He actually believes in it! Don't miss it!
Both: Bye!

Saturday, 15 September 2012

What can you make of a country that spends billions clogging its airports with TSA guards diligently searching grandma's underwear and baby's diaper for explosives but which leaves its overseas embassies wide open to attack from Muslim mobs? What can you make of a State Department which justifies official mob appeasements in one breath and repudiates them in the next? What can you make of a media that gangs on the lowly Terry Jones and some obscure film maker for daring to exercise the freedoms which they themselves are always crowing about in the abstract? What can you make of a president who flaunts his Muslim middle name in Dearborn and disowns it in Peoria, the same president who declared that America is "no longer a Christian nation" but who now intones Bible verses over the bodies of his slain diplomats? What can you make of his predecessor who for six tedious years of war against Muslims kept reiterating the inane mantra that Islam is a religion of peace? What can you make of the party that implicitly supported him all that time in spite of such a blatant betrayal of their own beliefs? What can you make of a presidential challenger whose firm jaw line is completely belied by the pliancy of his wobbly spine? In short, friends, what can you make of a country that is so riddled with contradictions when it comes to its chief enemy abroad that it is effectively paralyzed from its eagle neck down?
      Thank God I'm in Canada where Prime Minister Harper has just "presciently" pulled his diplomats out of Iran.... while in Syria he's backing the rebels, whose eventual rout of Assad will herald another "victory for democracy," just like Egypt and... Libya and... Iran!!! Oh God! Open up, USA, because when it comes to the serious joke of foreign policy, we're all Americans now!

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Round 4: Low Blows and Media Hoes

And it's round four (round three you'll recall was cancelled after that wacko Joe Soptic or was it Septic threw his wife's rotting corpse into the ring, claiming Romney had killed her. It wasn't until the ref, Mike Media, finally stumbled over the body - what, was he blind? - that a foul was declared. Foul? You can say that again. What a stench! It took days just to air the auditorium out. And Obama grinning away the whole time and swearing that he knew nothing about it! ) Anyway, here we are again after a lengthy rest for the two contenders, each with a new man in his corner. Joining the Obama team is the former champ, Killer Bill Clinton, now taking a bow before the appreciative audience and getting a friendly pat on the back from the ref - those two go way back. And in the Romney camp it's Ol Man Eastwood, a long time gym rat who's talking to himself and waving a stool around in a threatening manner toward Obama. And the ref soon puts a stop to that. Eastwood calls Romney his Multi-Million Dollar Baby, so let's see if this baby knows his shit.
    And as the bell sounds, Romney comes tearing out to center ring and gets a good one smack in the bread basket of his foe, shutting down his opponent's attempt to psych him out with his signature "mixed signals" technique. "None of your f---ing mixed signals!" he taunts, as Obama doubles over - or is that just his customary bow adopted when foreigners and Muslims are around? Hard to say. But wait! The ref is calling it a low blow. Didn't look that way from here, but Obama is now clutching his groin, he's hurting, backtracking, he looks weak, indecisive, he's reeling back to his corner. The crowd is starting to turn ugly, but it's unclear if they're booing the Prez or the low blow - the alleged low blow, let me add-, or even the ref himself. Romney is looking anxiously toward the crowd, he seems unsure about what to do next, he's moving erratically, now right, now left, he's starting to twitch all over. And now he's... he's flip flopping. Oh no! Yes, he's reverting to that former back-and-forth method that has cost him so many titles in the past. His manager Ol Man Eastwood is starting to tear what little hair he has out of his head in despair. "Nooooo," he screams to his multi-million dollar baby who has just messed his trunks. "Stand fast, Mitt!" But it's too late for the self-deformin' Mormon.  Obama is suddenly back in form, hammering Romney with his redoubtable rabbit punches - on the ribs, in the chest, everywhere. It is vicious. Oh, I beg your pardon, ladies and gentleman, but it's the ref, I repeat, the ref  who is beating up Romney. Incredible! And now it's Romney who's in trouble, big trouble. He's swaying, wobbling, tottering. And now he's got both gloves in front of his face, hoping at least to save that famous Hollywood profile. But the referee starts striking at those gloves, making Romney hit himself, yes it's turning into a spectacle of masochism as the contender draws his own blood from his mouth. The ref's out for justice now, and just as the clock closes in he pops a straight jab to Romney's nose. Ouch!
"Pinocchio!" is all we hear as the bell sounds. And the Ol Man comes out to wipe his poor baby's nose. "Whore!" yells Eastwood in disgust at the referee, who's doing a victory dance in centre ring. Ladies and gentleman, once again, bought-off ref or no ref, it looks like Romney blew it. 

Sunday, 9 September 2012

Partial Berth Presidency

Lots of talk about media gush
But nobody's saying why:
Cuz a voters kick to that ebon tush
Would blacken the media's eye. 

There's so much riding on the coming election of the Most Powerful Man in the World: Obama might lose his handicap, Romney might lose his tax bracket etc. But it's the journos, the most powerful stench in America, that stand to lose most. And that's why the very thought of a democratic loss makes them lose it. The current POTUS is their baby, they elected him after a fifty-year gestation in the statist womb, and by God (boooo!) - OK, by heaven - they're not going to see all that liberal labor go down the drain in November like some DNC-approved partial birth abortion. Better never to have gained the White House at all than to have and have not, to win the hand and then get the boot, to be the first black failed president. Losing your chance is one thing, but being given the big chance and then blowing it is the greatest American nightmare. Just look at Carter.
      Jimmy Carter is the Flying Dutchman of politics, doomed to wander the earth in search of redemption. He can't, won't accept his dismissal after four years in office. He roams the world trying to gain its approval in order to offset his own country's rejection. But all the peace prizes in the world won't erase the stigma of that one lost piece of his presidency. Is it any surprise to hear him endorsing, albeit indirectly, a Romney victory? Misery loves company. But the world loves winners. And Obama loves himself. And Romney loves God. And the media love... nothing. It just hates. It hates God and country and millionaires and wasps and "haters" and babies and, well, just about everything.
      But most of all it hates admitting a mistake. And having to finally admit that Obama wasn't the One will make them feel like two cents. Do I hear two cents for Mr. Hope and Change? Going once, going twice... gone!