Saturday, 29 September 2012

The FBI in Libya (Duh da da!)

Scene: [A hotel room in Benghazi, crowded with FBI agents. From a window, agent Jim Rhodes scans the dark street below with a pair of binoculars. In frame, a clothing store, the sign reads,"al-Milo's"]
Rhodes, [turning to his captain]: Lew, take a look. The guy looking in the window. Muhammad al-Milden. [Hands the field glasses to Erskine who looks across the street to al-Milo's.]
Lewis Erskine: I wonder how long he's been back.
Rhodes: Back? I never knew he left.
Erskine: Oh right, I'm still thinking I'm in the States. Jet lag, you know. Maybe it's just our old friend Alawi with a new MO?
Rhodes: Mike, do we still have a warrant on him?
Mike: Still? I didn't know we ever did!
Rhodes: Oh right, you know...
All: Jet lag! Right!
Mike : How about unlawful flight?
Rhodes : Who? Him or us?
Erskine: Let's take him! (exit Erskine and Rhodes)
Mike, at the transmitter: Lookout units one and two...
[In the street the four agents converge at the clothing store entrance, covertly nodding to one another as they close in on their quarry; tense violins cue the dangerousness of the situation.]
Lookout agent, approaching a couple at the sales counter: I'll have to ask you people to leave. Just walk away. [Showing his badge] FBI.
Arab couple, uncomprehendingly: Huh? [They start jabbering in Arabic]
Lookout agent, (getting angry): I said F-B-I. Police! Move! What's wrong with you people? Don't you watch TV? [Pushing them aside, the agent addresses the suddenly evasive sales clerk] You can show me some ties, er, I mean those whatdyacallems.
Al-Milo: Keffiyehs.
Lookout agent: Keffiyehs? Fine. Got anything in red, white and blue?
[As a man comes out from a change room holding a suriyah, he is confronted by the agents]
Erskine: FBI, al-Milden! You're under arrest.
[The suspect bolts, running back to the change room, where a secret panel opens into a mini-fortress of al-Qaeda operatives, replete with AK-47's, grenade launchers and small missiles. A small army of Islamists emerge armed to the teeth and very angry.]
Al-Milden: Infidels!
Islamists: Allahu Akbar!
Rhodes: What'd they say?
Erskine: I think they're asking what size we're looking for - in coffins. Come on! Let's get the heck out of here!
[The storied team of federal law enforcement agents beat a strategic retreat - all the way back to Washington.]  Announcer: "Join us again next week for another exciting episode of the FBI based on authentic TV dramas. Next week: special agents Lew and Jim find themselves in Beijing investigating yet another incident at a foreign embassy - and proceed to bust the entire Chinese politburo! Same time, same channel."  [Closing refrains of martial theme music. Duuh- duh- da-da.]

The End

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