Tuesday, 16 June 2015

Pontificasaurus

First the Holy Father told the world how evolution works, and now he's about to give us the real dope on global warming. Who knows what conundrums of modern science will attract his Holiness' notice next: space travel, particle theory, dinosaurs . . .?

“ My dear people of the earth! As you know, there are some who believe that the dinosaurs were cold-blooded creatures, but a more enlightened point of view has now supplanted such backward thinking, welcoming our ancient terrene fore-tenants into the family of warm-booded mammals, egg-laying though they undoubtedly were. This modern approach to the problem of prehistoric metabolism is one with which Holy Mother Church finds herself in total harmony. After all, dear faithful, we know that Jesus was god-in-man. What simplicity of truth, then, to posit that dinosaurs were bird-in-snake! If the third person of the Trinity can take the form of a bird, why shouldn’t a reptile also be feathered and hot-blooded? And if the Virgin could bear offspring from a ghost, is there any let to the power of God to allow a mammal to lay eggs? And if I, the vicar of Christ, can turn wine into blood in the miracle of transubstantiation, cannot God, then, in his infinite solicitude for his creation, allow a lizard the modest comfort of homeostasis?                   
       "There is no room for prejudice in science. The long-departed dinosaurs cannot defend themselves against these baseless heresies, but through the power of prayer, we, their true and faithful heirs, can one day find salvation in the warm-blooded doctrine of revealed truth.
     “Let us work together, henceforth, to banish the cold-blooded deniers from the portals of true science, and bar them from ever harming our children with their out-moded beliefs. Let them repent their repent dogmas or find themselves out in the cold - Ex communicado!"