Sunday, 13 March 2016

Destwoy Twump!

Ladies and gentlemen of Radioland, welcome to the Drone on the Wall, your best source for behind-the-scenes scoops on all topics political. Tonight we take you into the very bastion of Mainstream, the editorial boardroom of the New York Times, where our roaming micro-bug finds itself sitting like the proverbial fly on the wall just as a highly secret teleconference is getting underway. This emergency session of the editors of all the Big Seven news outlets was evidently called in response to what the various media conglomerates regard as an impending challenge to their informational supremacy in the USA and, indeed, the entire world. The publisher of the NYT appears to be moderating the historic conclave. We join them literally mid-sentence . . .


NY: Hewwo everybody! Welcome to our confewence! This is a special session, as you know, convened in wesponse to the national emergency facing us all. But befowe we start, may we have a woll call of attendance, just to make sure we're all here? First, WaPo, are you dere, WaPo? 
WP: Yes, we are here! Shalom, NYT-wits!
NY:  Time, come in, Time! Are you dere?
Time: Yes, we are here! Shalom!
NY: ABC, NBC, and CBS: are you dere, Big Thwee? 
ABC: Yes!
NBC: Yes!
CBS: Yes! We are here!
All: Shalom!
NY:  Did I miss anyone?
Newsweek: Yes, you missed us! We are still here!
NY:   Oh, wight!  No offense, Newsweek. Also, I would wike to welcome our guest, Fox News, who shares our concern in dis urgent matter. Are you dere, Wupert?
Fox: Yes, we are here! Sha, sha - lom? 
NY: Shawom to you, too, Fox. Also, I wish to welcome, as new recwuits, some of our young offshoots who have expwessed an interest in joining us, and who, we bewieve, may weap some vital insights into information contwol from our own wong and stowied expewience. Welcome Sawon, Powitico, Swate and Daiwy Beast! Are you dere?
All four: Yes, sir, we are here! Shalom!
NY: Now to get down to business! As you all know, our countwy is appwoaching a histowical cwosswoads unwike any we have ever befowe witnessed, an encounter with an enemy of bibwical pwopowtions, an enemy wike weviathan himself. A powitical Gowiath who thweatens our very existence.  
NW: Do you mean ISIS?
NY: No! I mean Donawd Twump! 
NW: Oh, right! And by "our country" you mean Is - 
NY: (cutting NW off) I mean Amewica, of course! 
NW: Oh, of course!
NY: What other countwy could I mean? Where was I? Oh yes: the thweat. Now, I think we all agwee that Mr. Twump is dangewous. 
All: Very dangerous!
NY: But are we all aware of just how dangewous he is and pwecisewy why he is so dangewous? Well? Any ideas, fwiends?
Time: Well, sir, it's that wall he's going to build.
WaPo: And deporting all those illegals, er, I mean undocumented workers.
NW:  And don't forget the trade thing. The man's an isolationist.
CBS: He's a racist.
NBC: A bigot.
ABC: A Hitler.
NY: Ok, yes, you're all wight, but what's the very worst thing he's said, the thing that's most dangewous of all? You young 'uns, can you help us?
Politico: He insulted women. 
Slate: He insulted Muslims.
Salon: He insulted us!
NY: All true and quite repwehensible. But what is it that makes him so incwedibly dangewous to us and all our pwiviweges? 
Fox: He's trying to cut into my slave labour -er, I mean our foreign worker supply. That's enough for me to hate him right there.
NY:  Of course, Wupert. We all, or rather our owners all share your concern. But don't you people see what this man has said that cuts us all wight where we wive?
All:  (Baffled silence) 
NY:  Wisten and wearn! Twump said: I say what I say!
All:  (Horrified) No!
NY:  Yes! He said it. And when I heard those disgusting, ominous words, I knew this was going to be a fight to the death. Do you not weawize what dose odious words mean? What will happen if dey catch on, if this thing spweads? I say what I say? No! We say what dey say. Not dem! We say! We have always said what dey say. Now do you understand?
All:  Horrible! Terrible! Monstrous! Iniquitous! Impious! Seditious!
NY:  It's not the wall that he's going to build that's so dangewous, it's the wall he's teawing down, the wall bewteen us and dem. That wall we've been building for over half a centrury, since the end of the war, that wall of words and images and attitudes that we owe all our ascendancy to. That wall, my fwiends, is cwacking.
All: Oh no!
NY: Yes, it's cwacking, and Mr. Twump is an out-of-contwol wecking ball that will destwoy it and us if we do not destwoy him first.
All: (Angry voices) Yes! Destroy him!
NY:  Therefowe, we must commit ouwselves as never befowe to attack him and his suppowters. We must pull out all stops, cast all decency to the winds, use every diwty twick in the book and work night and day for dis man's total and absowute destwuction. Are we all agweed?
All: Agreed! Agreed!
NY: Befowe we depawt, then, let us swear to one another to renew our efforts to bwing this man down. [They all swear] 
Now I suggest we all cwasp hands, viwtually speaking, and join in a two-minutes-hate against Mr. Twump. The monitor will dispaly his image as we chant in unison. Feel fwee to bang on the table and stomp on the fwoor. You're among fwiends here. I shall wead the way: (chanting) Destwoy Twump!  Destwoy Twump!   
WaPo and Time, join in, pwease! 
WP and Time: Destroy Trump!  Destroy Trump! 
NY: Evewybody! 

All: Destroy Trump! Destroy Trump! Destroy Trump! Destroy Trump! Destroy Trump! Destroy Trump! Destroy Trump! Destroy Trump! (etc, for two minutes)
NY: Whew! That felt good. Now back to work, evewybody! See you at temple, young 'uns!

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